Detroit, MI--Alan Fanning, a 7-year-old at Burnbury Elementary and an avid Detroit Lions fans, reported Thursday that the suspension of Lions star Ndamukong Suh for violently stomping a Green Bay opponent has spurred serious introspection in regards to the second grader’s own temper tantrums.
“All I have to do is cry in public or break something, at most yell 'I hate you', and I get cool stuff like this iPad,” Alan said of the tactic he uses on his feckless mother, a woman whose backbone is comparable to that of a jellyfish. “But when I saw Suh get thrown from the football game, I started to wonder if sometimes there is, like, trouble for getting so mad.”
According to Alan, an epiphany of such magnitude has not been had since he stared in the mirror as a 6-year-old and realized the person staring back was him, and that he was an independent living being who possessed the power to think and act under his own volition. Needless to say, Alan immediately dismissed the notion of acting more rational, when his father, a royal asshole, came home to the biggest house in the neighborhood, sporting a $3,000 suit and driving a Mercedes S550.
