With the firing of Joe Paterno, the illustrious career of Penn State’s head football coach came to a storybook close last evening, or so says prodigious author Stephen King. “An authentic horror story relies upon the unexpected and the grotesque,” explained the father of modern horror, “ and when you contrast Paterno’s legacy with the abhorrent arc of the Penn State saga, well, that’s an ending fit for only the darkest of novels.”

“From the villainous and vile Jerry Sandusky, to the gross indifference of the student riots, the end of the Paterno era almost seems written,” said King, who exhibited his disgust with the entire sordid affair by retching repeatedly into his hat, all the while repeating “the horror” over and over again.

At press time, King was attempting to place Sandusky in the hierarchy of his most deplorable creations. “I’d say he’s leagues more evil than Annie Wilkes and Jack Torrence, though a hair less evil than Pennywise,” the author said. Reasoning that if Sandusky were capable of transmuting into a giant, poisonous spider, he’d easily surpass even the most nefarious of King's own characters....