class="rtejustify"> BOSTON—The Red Sox returned home from their weeklong business trip yesterday afternoon to discover that Jimmy Goldman, their neighbor and a sophomore at nearby Boston Latin High School, had not mowed their lawn as he was hired to do. The Red Sox, who had already paid Goldman half of the agreed upon amount of $40 and who had filled their fridge his favorite Gatorade, were none too please to find their yard in such disrepair with only hours to go until their home opener.

“You’ve got to be joking me,” said a clearly annoyed Bobby Valentine upon getting his first glimpse at the Red Sox dandelion filled yard. “He only had to mow it once, and he couldn’t even manage that!” Valentine then went inside the clubhouse where he became further agitated upon discovering the Gaotrade had been consumed. “He takes my money, doesn’t do the job he was hired to do, but still comes over here to enjoy some free Gatorade. Unbelievable! Un-be-liev-able!”

Red Sox players understood their manager’s frustration and urged him to go next door to confront Goldman about his dereliction of duty, Valentine, however,...