class="rtejustify"> SARASOTA, FL—Employees of the Baltimore Orioles front office held their annual MLB Fantasy draft yesterday afternoon, and again, for the third straight year, no player from the Baltimore Orioles was selected. Team receptionist Bertha Whitney came the closest to drafting an Orioles player when she considered picking catcher Matt Wieters with her final pick, but Whitney instead went with Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos.

“It’s not that our guys are bad,” explained Orioles general manager Dan Duquette. “It’s just all the other guys available were much better.” After studying his picks approvingly, Duquette grabbed a sheet of paper he thought was another person’s fantasy team, but in fact was the Baltimore Orioles actual roster. “Nolan Reimold, Jason Hammel, J.J. Hardy!” said Duquette disgusted. “Man, feel bad for whoever has this shitty team. No way in hell they’re making it to the playoffs.”