Chicago, IL--The liberal anti-capitalist uprising won a major victory yesterday, capturing Chicago’s top purveyor of snow, Bear's wide out Sam Hurd, and continuing their role as the aggressor in the ever-escalating War on Christmas.
The benefactor of many an exhausted parent, Hurd was importing and distributing thousands of pounds of Snow per week before being apprehended by left wing commies who hate joy and America. “All I wanted was to spread Christmas cheer on every street corner in Chicago,” said Hurd, adding, “the dream of a white Christmas, a Christmas just like the one you used to know, is all but dead in this country.
While many have voiced their opposition to Hurd’s arrest, none are more outspoken than Christmas's undeniable leader, Kris Kringle himself. “Who are these people who want to take all the cheer our of our beloved celebration? And how do they think one stays up all night, jetting around the entire globe without the motivation of snow? Next thing you know, liberals will be taking away our trees too. You just wait.”
At press time, reports surfaced that Santa was wondering if anyone knew someone who could hook him up. Stating: "the elves are really starting to lose steam."
