LOS ANGELES—As coaches at the nation’s top programs eagerly await commitments from their prized recruits, Lane Kiffin and the Trojans have scored the first major victory on National Signing Day as 5-star recruit Jordan Thomas has inked his letter of intent to sleep with numerous coeds and skip nearly all of his classes at USC next fall. The signing of Thomas is considered a steal for Kiffin and the Trojans, as the prized recruit was also heavily considering getting laid and not attending classes at Alabama, Ohio State and Oregon.

“During my visits, I saw plenty of campus where I’d like to spend the next 3 years before I head to the NFL Draft,” said the 6’4” wide receiver from Bakersfield, CA. “Each one had beautiful women that would throw themselves at me and a wide array of scholarly pursuits that I’d surely ignore. But in the end, USC’s commitment to academic apathy and all the fine ass women walking around campus really made this an easy decision.”