COLUMBIA — Total pussy and Missouri Tigers cheerleader Justin Short, who was beaten by two women’s basketball players, will not file charges, Boone County Police said, making him an even bigger pussy than before. “Let’s be clear: being a cheerleader made Mr. Short a pussy,” said Ryan Haigh, Boone County assistant prosecutor. “Getting beat up by two girls pussified him even more, and now pussing out of filing charges puts him in an über level of pussy I have never seen in my 14 years of practicing law.” Short was not available for comment, which did not surprise anyone, seeing as how he’s such a gigantic pussy wuss.