BATON ROUGE, LA—When planning a kidnapping, most deviants tend to err towards the side of discretion—but not the University of Michigan. Flying in an easily identifiable University of Michigan jet, the Wolverines and athletic director Dave Brandon arrived in Baton Rouge to abduct Les Miles in an unorthodox plot that relies on Miles’ incapacity to grasp the concepts of time and space.

“My plan is to place a chloroform soaked rag over his mouth, toss his unconscious body in a duffle bag, and in a few days time present him as the new head coach of the Wolverines,” candidly explained Brandon. “The guy can’t even read a clock or determine distance. You really think he’s going to realize he’s not coaching LSU anymore? I seriously doubt it.”