class="rtejustify"> GREENSBORO, NC—North Carolina’s excitement over their upcoming Sweet 16 party quickly turned into a teenage temper tantrum after the Tar Heels were told by the NCAA that they would have to invite Ohio University to the much anticipated and highly exclusive event.

“You mean Ohio State, right?” asked a bewildered UNC, unwilling to believe what they just heard. “Not Ohio University. Because they’re, like, from the Mid American Conference. They’re poor. They can’t even afford Nike uniforms. They wear Russell Athletic. It’s totally gross. We wouldn’t even wear that in junior high.”

Despite UNC’s protest, the NCAA was unwavering in their stance that the Bobcats would be attending, and not only that, UNC would also have to dance with them, a notion that even further infuriated the Tar Heels.

“No way!” screamed UNC. “All my best friends are going to be there—Kentucky, Michigan State, Syracuse! They’re the most popular teams in school and if they see me dancing with Ohio, it’ll be social suicide!”

Still, the NCAA wouldn’t budge. “You will invite Ohio, and you will dance with them, or else there will be no Sweet 16 party,” threatened the NCAA. “Consider yourself lucky. Not every school gets a Sweet 16. Would you rather switch places with Duke? No? Didn’t think so.”