class="rtejustify"> KANSAS CITY, MO—Derek Jeter, whose affiliation with the New York Yankees and HBO special chronicling his heroic journey to 3,000 hits solidifies his position as baseball’s greatest player ever, called to congratulate the Minnesota Twins’ designated hitter, some guy who hit his 600th home run last night, which, based on the lack of media attention surrounding it, isn’t really that big of a deal.

“Hey you,” said Jeter to the home run hitter, a man sources say is named Jim Thome. “I heard you did something pretty cool in your game last night, something people don’t do often. I just did something really rare too. I got my 3,000th hit. Sure you probably know that already. Anyway,” continued Jeter, “I’m assuming whatever you did wasn’t nearly as difficult or uncommon as my getting 3,000 hits because I didn’t hear much leading up to it, but I’m sure it’s matters to you, so congrats!”