Detroit, MI--With the Tigers one win away from the ALCS and the Lions currently undefeated, a long awaited sports bonanza has finally come to Detroit, the effects of which are doing wonders for the city's depressed population. Reports indicate that passing smiles have reemerged around Detroit's ubiquitous barrel fires, and the hot trend amongst those shattering whiskey bottles against abandoned factories is to steal a Verlander jersey before practicing their “pitching.”

However, despite the optimism, Manager Jim Leyland and Coach Jim Schwartz have asked fans to temper their excitement. “We understand everyone is excited at the prospect of a trophy returning to the motor city,” read a joint statement. “But let’s be realistic. Detroit is forsaken and God hates us for polluting his masterpiece.”

The statement continued, encouraging fans to embrace pessimism. “The Tigers organization is thrilled to potentially play late into the fall, but, honestly, we won’t beat the Phillies. And after the defeat you’ll just transfer all your hopes over to the Lions. Which means you’ll be even more devastated when the Packers steamroll through the playoffs, your heat turns off, and the prospect of a job or a ray of sunshine is months away and every morning you wake up lost. We just want you to be prepared for that.”