The Chicago Cubs, after more than a century of stabbing their fans in the heart, have exhausted the resource and are now resorting to stabbing their own. The hearts of Cubs’ fans, which have been ravaged over the years, especially since the Bartman incident of 2003, can no longer support the chest wrenching agony of following the team. Therefore, in a bold move by the organization, players were ordered to start piercing out the hearts of their own teammates.

The switch officially took place when catcher Wellington Castillo snapped his bat in half and plunged it into the chest cavity of rookie outfielder Tyler Colvin during the 2nd inning of the Cubs Sunday afternoon games against the Marlins. “It’s not like I wanted to do it,” mused Castillo after the game. “But this organization has a proud tradition tearing out the heart of anyone who gets too close it—we just can’t stop that because there’s no more fans to do it to.”