White Sox name first native English speaking person they can think of as new manager

CHICAGO—In an attempt to move on from their relationship with the volatile and outspoken Ozzie Guillen, the Chicago White Sox hired former third baseman Robin Ventura as their new manager because he was the first person club officials could think of who spoke fluent English and had some knowledge of the game.

“Look,” said White Sox General Manager Kenny Williams, “I don’t care who it is. I don’t care if he’s never even managed a single goddamn game in his life. Let’s just please, please hire a manager who I can understand what the hell he is saying, OK? So somebody, anybody, just shout out a name.”

It was at that point Assistant GM Rick Hahn blurted out Ventura’s name for no other reason than he happened to be looking at a picture of Robin Ventura which was hanging on the wall of the board room.

“Perfect, he’ll do,” replied Williams, happy to just be done with the process. “Call him up and tell him he’s hired. I’m running over to Al’s Beef for lunch, you want anything?”

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