Tonight is the finals of the Westminster Dog Show and we couldn't be more excited. Dogs running in circles, dogs standing on boxes, unattractive women in pant suits--it's everything one could want in a quasi-sporting event. The only thing we don't get is the judging. It seems that some old guy just forces the dogs to parade around for him, gropes them and then arbitrarily picks a winner--kind of like a beastiality-infused version of Taken. But just as Liam Neeson used his unique set of skills to get his daughter back, we used ours to figure out what the hell it is these judges are looking for when they determine best in show.