Tennessee gets confirmation: Kiffin officially rotting in hell
KNOXVILLE — The state of Tennessee has declared today an official holiday after learning through news reports that former University of Tennessee Volunteers football coach Lane Kiffin is officially rotting in hell. The reports came when in when word spread that his new University of Southern California team was swallowed by the giant hellmouth that opened up under its campus due to recruiting violations and too many male students with windswept hair across their forehead. The man himself, Satan immediatly greeted Coach Kiffin, stuck a pitchfork in his backside and proclaimed this unleashing of hell upon southern California a success. "I went up there thinking, 'I gotta get Pete Carroll, I gotta get Carroll,'" said the Prince of Darkness, "But whaddya know, I got Lane Kiffin instead. I had know idea that guy was in town. He moves around more than Bin Laden. Has he ever stayed at a team for more than a year? Wait, how did he get to be such a good coach again? Doesn't matter, he's in the 12th flaming circle of death for the rest of eternity now. Which means he won't have a good team to coach for a long time. They say Karma's a bitch, but I know Karma and he ain't got nothing on Satan.
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