TAUNTR Sports Jackasses Of The Day For Wednesday

Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Posted By Jack Rackels 11:19 PM

I directed all of my focus on essentially one jackass of the day in my post on Brooke Hundley yesterday. Hundley, in fact, would be a great candidate to be included in this series. Since I’ve already called out her out for being delusional, however, she will be spared from being mentioned again. Luckily, though, I’ve got five more jackasses from the sports world ready to taunt for you.

1. Lenny Dykstra: Dykstra turns 47 today, so what better way to wish him a Happy Birthday than calling him out for being a jackass?  The former New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies star is again in the news for all of the wrong reasons. Not too long ago, if you recall, he was making headlines for his perceived financial acumen. That oh-so-not trustworthy investing source Jim Cramer even labeled Dykstra a financial guru, praising his investment strategy during an interview with Ron Goldberg on 60 Minutes. Which, to any rationale person who’s listened to Dykstra speak, seemed fucking absurd.


Now, I liked Dykstra as a player. While the steroids certainly helped, he was an elite defensive center fielder who posted a .285/.375/.419 career line in 12 seasons. On a baseball field, the gusty outfielder was tremendously valuable. But, even during his playing career, “Nails” was perceived to be a fucking idiot. Just a real box of rocks. So, to think that he had this secret sauce to deciphering the stock market never passed the smell test with me. Somehow, though, the man who could’ve single-handedly kept Redman in business duped several wealthy investors into putting their money with him.

It didn’t take an expert to predict what happened next: the walls came crashing down on Dyktra this summer. After personally claiming to have a net worth of $60-million, he reported no more than $50,000 of assets against up to $50-million in liabilities when filing for bankruptcy in July. Some reports this summer claimed that he was living out of a car. Both he and his most ardent supporter, Cramer, were discredited, brushed by the media as fools.

Undeterred, Dykstra has kept on fighting. Earlier this week, he launched the website NailsInvestments.com, where, for the small price of $99 bucks a month, you can receive personal investing tips from Dykstra directly to your email inbox. On the site, that package offers three weekly forecasts, weekly updates and email updates. And, if you’re really looking for a coup, you can even go for the Home Run package, which includes the three perks from “The Single,” as well as the chance to ask Lenny live questions during a monthly conference call. Seriously, this man is more fucking delusional than Hundley, who’s under the false impression that she’s attractive.

Dykstra has less investing credibility than Bernie Madoff, and I would rather receive stock tips from The Pants on the Ground guy than him. So, for thinking that people will actually listen to him, Lenny Dykstra is a total jackass. However, to make matters worse, Sports By Brooks shed light on another total douche Nails move, screwing over his kid.

The Milwaukee Brewers selected Dykstra’s son, Cutter, in the second round of the 2008 draft. The Brewers rewarded Cutter with a $737,000 signing bonus to buy him out of a college scholarship, which he then gave to his father to invest. Well, like most of his father’s investments, that money is now long gone. The two are no longer on speaking terms, eerily similar to what happened with another Milwaukee player whose father played in the majors, Prince Fielder. Prince was given a $200,000 bonus back in 2003, but his dad, the once great slugger Cecil, pissed it down the toilet by gambling. So, now those two have a rocky relationship as well. Unlike Cutter, however, Prince is a phenomenal player and should make multi millions before he retires. Cutter, on the other hand, has been a bust to this point. So that bonus money was his meal ticket, and his jackass father pissed it all away.

2.  Roy Williams: Deadspin meticulously documented why Williams is a dick, but it’s worth bringing up again. The legendary UNC basketball coach has had a rough year, there’s no doubt. The Tar Heels are 2-6 in the Atlantic Coast Conference, and, for the first in seemingly forever, have almost no chance of an at-large bid to the NCAA tournament. Which must truly suck for him. But, in making light of the situation, Williams took the case too far.

Here is what Williams reportedly told his massage therapist. "Our massage therapist told me, 'You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you're having is a disappointment,' " said Williams. "I told her that depends on what chair you're sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life."

Yeah, that's a fucking prick right there. One lousy season during a rebuilding year—the Heels could be back as title contenders as early as next season—for a still-elite program doesn’t constitute a catastrophe, or even a real crisis. What happened to Haiti is a tremendous tragedy, and by linking them at all in any light, he’s a fucking classless jackass. Williams isn’t in Paul Shirley territory, but he’s still worthy of the number two spot on this list

3. Terry O’Neill: For all of the controversy, the Focus on the Family commercial featuring Tim Tebow and his mother that aired during the Super Bowl turned out to be pretty vanilla. Indeed, the hype leading up to the spot was arguably the most oft-discussed storyline headed into the game outside of Dwight Freeney’s bum ankle. Looking to attract more attention to their causes, every women’s group in the world called for CBS to ban the ad, labeling them hypocrites for rejecting other advocacy ads—even if the proposed spots, such as the ManCrunch ad, were clearly never realistic options to be featured during the game. However, the ad itself was hardly controversial; it was just cutesy and lame. The word abortion was never mentioned, and there wasn’t a lot for feminists to bitch about.

In the ad, Tebow jokingly tackles his mother in a loving way, nothing that could in any, way, shape or form invoke the image that abusing women is acceptable. Apparently, O’Neil, the president of the National Organization for Women, disagreed. She somewhat comically argued that the spot glorified violence against women. Here were her remarks to the Los Angeles Times“I am blown away at the celebration of the violence against women in it,” she said. “That’s what comes across to me even more strongly than the anti-abortion message. I myself am a survivor of domestic violence, and I don’t find it charming. I think CBS should be ashamed of itself.”

No, Jane, you should be ashamed of yourself. By attaching your name to false causes, you hurt the fight for gender equality. Just like feminists did with the Duke Lacrosse hoax, using a clear non-issue to garner attention does more harm than good, hurting the credibility of similar organizations. As I said in the last Jackass piece, there are many legitimate examples of gender inequality in the world. I suggest O’Neil uses her power as president of NOW to go find them, or just acknowledges that she was looking for some PR with the non-sensical Tebow argument. For her comments, she comes off dumber than Jeff Pearlman for wanting Tebow to fail in the NFL because of his religious beliefs.

4. Michael David Barrett: Barrett, the Erin Andrews’ peeper, reportedly didn’t plan to stop with the ESPN sideline princess. According to federal prospectors’ (via the Smoking Gun) sentencing recommendations, the douche pervert planned on stalking 30 other women, including more sideline reporters. As well, the prosecution claims that he victimized up to 16 other women in the past as well. What Barrett did to Andrews was disgusting, and the fact that he was doing to others and planned on more is even more so. For that, I hope that the peeping tom serves the full 27-month sentence in Fedaral-pound-me-in-the-ass prison, and that he’s the one who’s violated this time around. Andrews, by the way, is seeking $333,000 in restitution. I hope she gets every penny.

5. Omar Minaya and Ed Wade: Major league baseball front offices are littered with some of the most intelligent people around. From Theo Epstein to Jack Zduriencik, there are just so many bright minds running baseball teams. Unfortunately for New York Mets and Houston Astros fans, however, Minaya and Wade aren’t among them. I’ll start with Minaya, who’s done practically nothing to improve the Mets’ chances of contending again in 2010. One of his most notable activities this offseason was acquiring Gary Matthews Jr., a sub-replacement level player who can safely be labeled one of the largest busts in baseball history after signing a five-year, $50-million contract with the Los Angeles Angels. Matthews sucks. He can’t hit for power, doesn’t get on base, and his defense, according to those newfangled fielding metrics, blows. Yet Omar decided to go after Matthews, anyway, in light of the injury to star center fielder Carlos Beltran.

The other big hole for New York going into the winter, among many, was first base. Daniel Murphy sucks, both in the field and at bat. Rather than going after Adam LaRoche or another free agent, Minaya stood pat until reports this week linking the organization to Mike Jacobs. Jacobs is like Matthews: he isn’t a good baseball player compared to other professional baseball players. He does one thing well, hitting for occasional power. Outside of that, he does nothing useful on the diamond. He offers no value on defense, gets on base as frequently as a pitcher and can’t hit lefties. Good thinking, Omar.

Even Hundley thinks Wade has had a terrible offseason, which is quite damning. He signed reliever Brandon Lyon to one of the worst contracts in recent memory, has overseen a terrible farm system and again did little to help his club improve for the short or long term. Today, though, he reached a new low by expressing interest in free agent out machine Willy Taveras. Last week, I ripped the Cincinnati Reds for signing Taveras, including their GM, Walt Jocketty, in the Jackass of the Day feature. Well, Taveras, who was released by the Oakland A’s yesterday, has caught Wade’s eye, and he could be headed back to Houston. Which would only prove further that Wade is extremely unqualified for his job.

6. Meteorologists: Bonus sixth jackass today. Fuck you, meteorologists. The only time I’ve actively rooted for snow, you failed to deliver with your forecast. I thought 100 percent, in regards to a chance of a blizzard at 4:00 PM on weather.com, meant 100 percent. But I guess not. Somehow, Wade managed to have a more productive day on the job than those experts at weather.com. And I’m not buying this guy.

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