MIAMI — Florida State University has published a study today that reveals there is a 62% chance former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin has raped you. The Hall of Famer had an illustrious football career and notorious off the field shenanigans, ranging from drug abuse to infidelity and multiple accounts of alleged rape. “If you are alive in North America today, there is a 62% chance Michael Irvin has raped you,” said Dr. Anders Maner. “If you are female your chances of Irvin rape increase to 87.6%, and if you are a female who lived in the states of Texas or Florida from 1988 to today and have ever been drunk, even just once within that time period, there is a 99.9% likelihood you’ve been raped by Irvin.” If you have been drunk in either Texas or Florida in the last 22 years, whether or not you think you’ve been raped, please call the Miami Police Department to press charges against Irvin.