With most of the post-Hard Knocks buzz yesterday focused on the fact that Antonio Cromartie has a limited knowledge of contraception and the names of his bastardly brood, I feel that not nearly enough attention was given to Jet’s punter Steve Weatherford and his purchase of 100 Shake Weights for the entire team.

Sure, learning that a guy sired a kid for each fiscal quarter back in ’07 is quite impressive, but a bit trite as well. C’mon, Shawn Kemp had that market cornered years ago and professional drug trafficker/football hobbyist Travis Henry’s baby mamas and illegitimate children can each field a full softball team to play each other.

But the Shake Weight segment—that was all kinds of amazing. First, it reveals how the Jets plan to gain a competitive advantage and win the Super Bowl. Like Weatherford said, "This is going to be the extra edge we need this year...to take it from the AFC Championship to the Super Bowl. Makes sense to me—Shake Weights are (according their website) 7 times more effective than the normal, pussy-ass weights used by the other 31 NFL teams pre-destined to succumb to Gang Green this season.  But perhaps more importantly, the Shake Weight bit reminded us of these two universal truths in life:

1) Masturbation is always funny.

I don’t care if you’re black, white, brown, or whatever the rapper Drake happens to be. Twelve years old or 92. A ditch digger or heart surgeon. If you have a Y chromosome, you find jack-off jokes hilarious—which explains the Shake Weight’s popularity. All men jack off, so all men relate to it, so all men laugh at it. Any guy who disagrees is not only a humorless douche, but also a hypocrite. And probably doesn’t support the Troops either.

2) Kickers on football teams don’t have shit to do at practice.

If I gave you one guess as to who on the New York Jets would take time out of training camp to go through the trouble of dropping three G’s on 100 pieces of masturbatory mimicking workout equipment, who would you say? That’s right, their kicker. Because while the real football players are busy learning plays, schemes, routes, blocking patterns and all that other crap needed to become successful, these two-different-shoed chucklefuckles are off pulling stunts like this. Not that I can blame them—if my sole purpose in life was to stand around waiting to kick shit, I’d need something to break up the monotony too. It’s not like these dudes want to be bored—if they did, they’d go back to playing soccer.

So thank you Hard Knocks. Thank you New York Jets. Thank you Steve Weatherford. And most of all—thank you Shake Weights. Through you we find humor, enlightenment and perhaps even an effective means of teaching Antonio Cromartie how to dump his seed into something other than a gold-digging groupie.