Cody Zunt, Your Local Sports Reporter

It’s me, Cody Zunt, your local sports reporter back again to give you my unique spin on the world of sports in this dying medium, the small market newspaper. Thanks for picking up this “old rag” and keeping me employed for another week! If you enjoy this article please consider a subscription to our paper. Semi-fresh news will be flung at your doorstep every morning. As will great editorials like this one to re-affirm your nostalgic, simplistic love of sports. Okay! Onto the editorial.

I was watching our local sports station’s coverage of the NFL Draft during the 10 o’clock news and I couldn’t help but notice that it’s hard to hide from all these unsavory characters in sports these days. Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Gilbert Arenas. The list goes on and on! But any coach will tell you a team can’t win with guys like this. You need character. Heart. Leadership. Dedication. Good morals.

In a word you need INTANGIBLES.

Forget raw talent. Forget play-making ability. Forget skill. Can you say “overrated?”

So I thought, “why don’t coaches just draft on pure intangibles?” And then I thought, “I should make an All-Intangible Team,” a team that is so filled with intangibles that it would be invincible to any other team and always come out victorious. So I asked my editor and he said “okay, go get me a burrito.” So here is my NFL All-Intangible Team if I were a head coach.

CODY ZUNT’S ALL-INTANGIBLE TEAM

Pick #1: TIM TEBOW

I was shocked that Tim Tebow was not selected number one overall. He has everything you want in an athlete. He loves football, his mom and Jesus, not necessarily in that order. And he’s a champion don’t forget. And he’s got the want-to. Give me one Tim Tebow and I’ll win most of the time. Give me two and I’ll win all the time. Good luck beating the Broncos this year, NFL!

Pick #2: VINCE PAPALE

Vince Papale is that guy Mark Wahlberg played in the movie Invincible. If you have not seen that movie, check your copy of TV Guide to see when it might be playing this week! This guy overcame all odds and made an NFL squad! I mean this guy was loading trucks on the docks and had the want-to (there it is again!) to go play on the Eagles, and he did it! He’s a working-class guy who brought that same blue-collar work ethic to the field. That’s rare.

Pick #3 DEREK JETER

Okay, I know, he doesn’t play football. But come on. This guy could do anything if you asked him to and be an MVP at it. If there’s one thing you can say about Jeter is, he’s all about the team. He sacrifices himself for the betterment of the team. Does he have to hit a home run in the World Series? No, but he does because he loves the game that much. Nine guys out of ten would just phone it in at that moment. But Jeter is clutch. And I’d take clutch over stats any day.

Pick #4 MICHAEL LYNCHE

So this is the guy from this season’s American Idol, the guy who left his pregnant wife to follow his dream of singing. I mean to leave your wife to push out the baby on her own says a lot about how much he loves what he does. And to have America on the brink of voting this guy out only to have the judges save him says a multitude of great things about this guy. Besides, he looks like he’s probably played a little offensive line in his time.

Pick #5 KEN JENNINGS

This is the man who set his sites on being the best Jeopardy! contestant ever and did just that. Do you know how much dedication and studying that takes? You know Ken’s friends were like, “come on Ken, come out to the bar with us! Let’s go see a movie, let’s drive around in the Wal-Mart parking lot!” and Ken was like, “No way guys, I’m studying to win the all-time best score on Jeopardy!” His friends probably made fun of him, but who’s laughing now?

Pick #6 LANCE ARMSTRONG

Okay, forget all the Tour De Frances he’s won. Throw them out the window. This guy has overcome testicular cancer (I just asked my editor if I could say “testicular” in this article and I think he said yes or was trying to kill a fly. I think it was yes though, so please no letters complaining!) And not only won one of the most grueling sporting events there is, but naturally fathered a child. I wear my LIVESTRONG bracelet proudly and would gladly welcome Lance onto my NFL team any day.

Pick #7 SARAH PALIN

Who says women can’t play football? Please, go tell Sarah Palin she can’t play football and she’ll immediately start training to prove you wrong. She’s a good Christian woman who stands by her morals and ethics with conviction, and she’ll guard them with her awesome rifle skills. She’s got the “it factor” and the “wow factor” and the “cougar factor” all which will wreak havoc on any team on the other side of the ball, specifically Obama 2012.

Pick # 8 DALE EARNHARDT, JR.

No one’s had more pressure on them in the sports world today than Junior. To thrive in the shadow of your father, the greatest racer NASCAR has ever known, it takes a really good man to do that. You know this guy’s got the right stuff and you’d follow him into battle, drive around him and then lap him a few laps later in the same battle. But he’s doing that so you can shine. So selfless is the Junior.

Pick #9 TIGER WOODS

I’m not talking about today’s Tiger Woods, I’m talking about the Tiger Woods pre-Thanksgiving 2009. The one on the Gatorade bottles and Accenture advertisements. The one who loved his family and did nothing other than hit balls, train, and enjoy the luxury goods he sponsored. When you can be a man of color and go out and dominate a sport at such a young age, and on top of that be every intangible that ever was, then you are not only intangible, you are a god. You are no longer a mortal, and no one can beat you.

Oops! Looks like I’ve hit my word count for this week. We lost some advertisers so some pages have been cut. But hey, nine players with intangibles are all I need to win in the NFL. Head coaches take note! Enjoy this week’s For Better Or Worse, I hear it’s a doozy!