Nationals assure Strasburg that the drive-thru Tomás Juan surgery in Mexico seems legit

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA - Washington Nationals rookie phenon Stephen Strasburg has a significant UCL tear that will require surgery, but the news is not getting the Nationals down. They found a way to get him back out there in just over two weeks' time. Immediately after learning that Strasburg would require Tommy John surgery, every Nationals exec starting googling "fast recovery" and "Tommy John." Finally, an intern found a place in Mexico. A drive-thru adobe hut where they will perform the Tomás Juan surgery for the cost of 50 pesos and one goat.

"It seems totally legit," says the Nationals baseball operations intern who found the website. "The guy I talked to said that he and his wife do the actual surgery and his two kids will do the physical therapy. They said it should take about two weeks max. And we'll get a ton of homemade tequila to bring home with us. They're very excited because they normally only work on the women that chop the heads off chickens all their lives. Their ax wielding arm starts to give out around the age of 60, then they get the surgery and can keep on chopping until they die about three months later. This will be their first American Yankee baseball player. I let them know we're the Nationals, not the Yankees. They said they'd never heard of the Nationals. They weren't going to give the discount but I assured them that he'd probably be a Yankee someday. Boom. Discount!"