Jerry Jones installs laser-shooting eyeballs to speed up firings
DALLAS — Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fired head coach Wade Phillips Sunday during their 34-3 loss to the Minnesota Vikings by exploding his head with laser beams shooting from his eyeballs. The laser eyeballs were part of the purchase of the $40 million HD screen Jones had installed in Cowboys Stadium. “They threw in these beauts for free,” said Jones of his eyeballs. “I’m a shrewd negotiator. I ain’t gonna pay for the most expensive screen in the world without them kicking in a little something.” Jones said he had made it clear that if the Cowboys didn’t make the Super Bowl, Phillips would be in jeopardy of losing his job. “I fired up these bad boys on Barry Switzer to put the fear of God in ol’ Wade,” said Jones. “That got him through the Saints game and all the way here, but didn’t get him far enough, obviously.”
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