Having skimped on premium cable package, God forced to decree outcome of Whitney
Heaven--Adhering to a strict no frills moral maxim, God’s decision not to include the NFL network in Heaven’s cable package came back to bite him last evening, as His inability to view the Thursday night game between Jets and Broncos forced Him to meddle in less traditional forms of entertainment.
“I chose Sunday as my day of rest so I could decide football games,” God explained, “But, since we can’t afford the network, Thursday's are now spent deciding which show we're gong to mess with. Personally, I like “Lockup,” MSNBC’s prison documentary series, but we’re democratic up here in heaven, and this week the majority wanted Whitney.
God went on to explain how His narrative style differed from that of most sitcom writers “Listen, I’m an existentialist,” He said,” I take my inspiration from the likes of Cormac McCarthy, where somebody always dies at the end. But Shakespeare, being all presumptuous, was like, "you can’t end a comedy in death." Since he was so annoyingly insistent, I decreed that despite Whitney and her husband Alex’s trite argument, the two would come together at show's conclusion and profess their adorable and undying love for one another.”
Despite missing the game, however, God’s interest in the outcome did not wane. At press time, report were surfacing that the Almighty was completely shocked to hear of the Bronco's 4th quarter comeback. Claiming He had no idea Tebow could do it without Him.
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