Wow. Simply fucking wow. I see a lot of YouTube videos, many of which leave me feeling as if I’ve just been sodomized by a Flipcam, but this colossal conglomeration of horseshit really deserves a total breakdown.

And we need to do it now because I’m sure Jerry Jones and the powers that be in Dallas are feverously drafting up a cease and desist letter to this dude to pull the video. Because having slack jawed rednecks as fans is one thing, their numbers and purchasing power is strong. But having fans like this guy is bad for business. Nobody likes this guy. Shit, judging by his willingness to post this video for the world to see, it’s safe to say this guy doesn’t even like this guy. OK boys and girls, let’s go to the tape.

0:03: We’ve established his name as Matthias. No joke here. That one does all the heavy lifting itself.

0:08-0:13: “…Best team in the world…We will rock your world!” Really guy? Was the production schedule on this monstrosity so tight you couldn’t find a suitable amount of time to find a rhyme for “world”? How about something like “Championship banners unfurled…We will rock your world!”? See, I just thought of that shit. And I haven’t even been up for an hour.

0:14-0:23: Let me get this straight Matthias. You went through all this effort to look tough: the mean mug, the slicked back hair, the overt absence of clothing on your upper body, a pre-song chest slap—and you open with “let’s put on a show”? Puppeteers and Broadway actors put on a show. Cowboys don’t put on shows. They smoke crack and scalp Redskins. Jesus man, I know you have no dignity, but have some fucking dignity.

0:24-0:36: We get it. Put on a show. Get to the Super Bowl. This is where Matthias needs to be mindful of the Golden Rule when making fan videos: not everyone watching is as retarded or bat-shit insane as you. Move onto the next theme Hunter Hearse Helmsley, because the intricacies of this one aren't hard to grasp nor worth repeating.

0:37: In case Matthias hasn’t adequately expressed his unbridled enthusiasm for the America’s Team, he will now strike his shoulder again and release a primordial scream—which not only proves his fandom, but also his spot on a lower rung of the evolutionary ladder.

And that’s it. Just as abruptly as it began, it suddenly subsides—a metaphorical Force 5 Texas twister leaving broken souls, destruction and “What the fuck was that?” on the lips of everyone misfortunate enough to be caught in it’s path. Tragic. Just tragic.