According to a (likely false) rumor circulating around the blogosphere, Chicago Cubs second baseman Jeff Baker missed consecutive games earlier this season after suffering second-degree burns on his anus. Yup. You read that correctly. Baker allegedly sustained the burns and painful blisters during a failed attempt at lighting one of his farts; if only there were video of that.

Hire Jim Messian:

By the way, there is a reason Baker has not been starting until today. I know someone in the Cubs organization, who informed me last week that Baker and two pitchers, one of them a starter, were lighting farts in the clubhouse, when something went awry, and Baker suffered second degree burns to his patoot. Even worse, a pitcher got a slight burn on his throwing hand. The hair on Bakers behind got singed, so he is now hairless there. In tonights game, he was lifted for a pinch hitter, something Lou never does. The reason—–the blisters on his bottom burst, causing so much water, that Theriot accused him of wetting his pants. He never came out of the clubhouse, so Lou was forced to put in Fontenot.

As is common occurrence when it comes to such matters, the Deadspin I-Team assembled to test the validity of the rumor. The conclusion? Likely not true. Indeed, perhaps the fact that Baker is batting just .204/.264/.388 in 53 plate appearances is the prime reason for a lack of playing time. But their sleuthing and his awful statistics did not stop us from having a little fun with the story.

Enjoy.

See previous tauntr .gif images: Ryan Howard, Dez Bryant, Trevor Hoffman, Tasered Phillies Fan, Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlisberger, Dustin Pedroia Laser Show.