THE COCAINE BEAR doesn’t give a damn about your picnic basket. He just wants you to give him a few bumps then he’ll be on his way. A regular on the party scene for nearly 30...

As a Mets fan, any contact people have with you tends to be very awkward. First there’s the not-sure-if-they-want-to-shake-your-hand moment, then the stuttering and the shifty eye...

Like most of the people in Detroit, you live by the mantra “What Would Ty Cobb Do?” Which means misogyny, racism, rape and beating up amputees is never out of the question. And when you get...

You, a Phillies supporter, are more of an endless source of entertainment that an actual fan. You would suck a Yuengling out of a dog’s anus for half a Tastykake. Most people cannot...

Women. You can’t get enough of them. You love the feeling of having sex with them. It’s practically all you do, which excuses the limited amount of time you spend watching...