If ever you doubted the effectiveness of Chinese water torture, try watching Sportscenter all day long. At first you’ll find it cool and refreshing, then five hours later you’ll be crying and laughing at the same time, wondering what your own blood tastes like (mine tastes like a tuna can filled with fennel). ESPN claims the show is done live, and maybe it is, but live to worldwide leader in sports is just a pseudonym for lazily reporting the same incessant garbage over and over and over again every single day until you inevitably indulge your sanguinary curiosity, cut yourself an inch too deep, and bleed out unnoticed onto the floor.

Today, I reached that breaking point, because today Sportscenter made it their explicit mission to ask every single person who would lend an ear how many points they thought LeBron James would score in this evenings game five. And as I lay face first and comatose on the office floor, the Sportscenter parasite wormed its way through my subconscious asking any figment stirring how many points number 6 would tally. Here’s how they answered...