San Diego, CA--Citing a need for honesty, responsibility, and a grave fear of confrontation, Chargers' President Dean Spanos borrowed a page from his nephew’s sixth grade teacher by issuing a self-assessment test to the team’s head coach and general manager.

“You’d think any self-respecting individual would look back on the past two years and realize they weren’t cutting the mustard,” Spanos said of his controversial approach. “Apparently, A.J and Norv didn’t feel that way, and if those guys feel like they were cutting the mustard, who am I to tell them the mustard wasn’t being cut?” Adding, “It’s just not my place to be arguing with those guys over mustard, let alone their repeated incapacity to reach even the most basic of expectations.”

After releasing transcripts of the assessment tests, rational human beings were shocked to find that both Turner and Smith believed themselves to be doing exceptional work. Both men felt they deserved straight A’s save for one B in the area of “Promptness.” And in a suspicious coincidence, each man handed in a test bearing the name Norv Turner, causing president Spanos...