Washington, D. C--Celebration is sweeping the country this mourning following news that the NFL Lockout has been officially declared dead. Once thought to be immortal, the lockout met it’s demise early Monday morning after the seven relics, or Horcruxes, into which Owners had siphoned parts of their soul were finally destroyed. Reports have surfaced that the final Horcrux was discovered and demolished by none other than NFLPA’s residing savior and New Orleans quarterback, Drew Brees, who addressed the media bloodied and exhausted.

“I did what needed to be done despite the danger,” said a humble Drew Brees. “But I never feared death, I only feared a world without football.” According to Brees, the mission to destroy the Horcurxes, and thus destroy the lockout, was undertaken in secret at the end of last season. “We knew from dealing with the owners in the past that they were soulless, but we never guessed the dark depths they would sink to to ensure immortality,” he said. “Finding the Horcruxes was more difficult than going through high school with this thing on my face.”

Brees continued, describing how the potent totems he was charged...