MINNEAPOLIS — After throwing yet another painful 99 MPH fastball, Joel Zumaya’s hand finally retired from Zumaya’s body. “That’s it. I’m done,” signed Zumaya’s hand at a press conference after his Detroit Tigers defeated the Minnesota Twins 7-5. “I can’t stand what this guy puts me through. Enough is enough.” Zumaya has put his hand through many ordeals in his young lifetime, beyond throwing heat since he was a young kid was chronic video game playing. “You try playing hours of Guitar Hero and see how you feel,” signed the hand. “I’m an 80-year-old hand on a 26-year-old’s body. It’s not right. You should have seen the blisters on my thumb after Paper Mario came out for the Nintendo 64. That month took years off my life right there.” Zumaya’s hand stood up for itself the entire time. “That guy doesn’t deserve me,” said the hand, this time scratching it out on a white board with a dry erase marker. “Everything I did for him and no thank yous. No manicures. No massages. If I wouldn’t have retired he would have thrown a dozen more fastballs, went home, played a few hours...