Stan Tanna here. One of my Oakland gambling buddies Tom Slick emailed me. Seems he's been getting a lot of attention over his latest dishing of ass-whoop. All this attention has gotten him fired up. My advice, steer clear of Mr. Slick. If you do run into him, be sure you don't piss him off. Here are his top ten pet peeves he sent me. Study and beware or Epic Beard Guy might be after you next.
TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF EPIC BEARD GUY
1. Cheap Seats
“This 67-year-old white boy hates the nosebleeds at Oakland Alameda. Once I see some sweet-ass lower-level seats open up, me and my single-shot bottles of Smirnoff are there. I like being close enough to where I can hurl insults at the visiting players, and challenge them to a fight.”
“If you’re not a vet, I have nothing in common with you. If you don’t know how to kill a man in less than three moves, then you’re just a pansy mallwalker. I was in The Shit my friend. I’ve seen things you’ve never had nightmares about. So don’t bother me with your smartphones and iPods. I’ve got war in my blood.”
“You try running in pants. Not as easy as shorts. Sure, when you’re in the bush and the Vietcong are retreating, you need long pants. But when you’re walking two blocks from the AC to the BART, shorts will do you just fine.”
4. Pants with pockets
“The only thing worse than pants are pants with pockets. If you have shit jangling around in your pockets you’re asking to get your ass kicked. You need maximum leg extension at all times. You never know when some chump is going to talk smack and you need to roundhouse kick him in the mouth.”
5. Weak-ass Tasers
“I’ll be the first to admit, sometimes I need my ass tased. I can get out of hand very easily what with the binge drinking and Nam flashbacks. When that happens in public hell yes I need sedated, ASAP. So when you come to tase me, come correct. Don’t even think a 1200-volt taser can stop me. That will feel like a de-clawed kitten giving me a back massage. Bring military grade or you might as well bring some baby oil and talc, because I’m going to want you to finish what you started, like those masseuses in Chinatown do.”
“Fuck backpacks. You try and get your brass knuckles or switchblade out of a backpack while you’re getting surrounded in an alley by ninjas. It will be too late. You’ll be ninja meat. You gotta keep that shit right above your package, right in palm’s reach at all times. While you’re fumbling past your Trapper Keeper, I’m stabbing those no-good ninjas in the eyeballs, and pissing in the sockets.”
7. Cell Phone Cameras
“Does everything need to be on camera these days? Can’t you leave some of your boring, non-existent life to the imagination? If there would have been camera phones on me Nam, I would be the fucking governor of California right now. Not some ’roided-out Eurotrash dolt you got in there now. Thomas Bruso was John Rambo before he was even made up. If you had 2 seconds of footage of Tom Slick in The Shit, you would wad up every Chuck Norris joke and shove them up your own ass out of shame. But I don’t need the youtube clips. I’m the fucking legend.”
8. Grocery-stealing Bitches
“There are unwritten rules of war. And those rules are while men are in battle, you don’t steal their shit. Which is why I can’t stand civilians. If you were a vet like myself you would know you can only take the loot of a man if and when he’s dead. Otherwise if you touch his property he has every right to unleash whatever he sees fit upon your ass. There is no judge. No court of law. Just two flying fists until justice has been served. Do not touch my groceries, bitch.”
9. Chinamen Food
“I’ve got no problem with Chinamen. The war is over. Orientals do not bother me one bit. But I cannot stand their food. Maybe it’s because there were months in the bush where I was lost from my platoon and I had to eat week-old rice patties and swallow it down with some leaves and twigs. But either way, it all tastes like dirt mush to me. Besides, you need fighter fuel when you’re on the Oakland battlefield. Give me a good steak and eggs, thrice a day.”
10. Brown Shoe Polish
“My shoes are black, you son-of-a-bitch. Not brown. Get it straight before my boot goes so far up your ass the color does in fact change to brown. Which ironically then I would need that brown polish. But until then make it black. I’m paying you a good American quarter to shine these boots. Shine Epic Beard Guy’s boots. I AM A MOTHERFUCKER!”
Earlier today, we introduced you to Epic Beard/"I AM MOTHERFUCKER" t-shirt guy. Well, now we've come across the Epic Beard Guy Mortal Kombat Remake. Flawless victory, indeed.
In other Epic Beard guy news. You can become a fan of his on Facebook.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” t-shirt guy. Words can’t do the video any justice, though, so you must check it out for yourself.
Also, as Barstool Sports points out, that video wasn’t “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” t-shirt guy’s first rodeo. It turns out, he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game last year for sitting in the wrong seats and sneaking in mini vodka bottles. Shit, you can get tasered for that? I called that college.
In the A’s video, the “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” t-shirt guy is sitting by himself, so I wonder what prompted people to complain about his behavior. It must’ve been some crazy shit, and, given his actions in the first video, that wouldn’t be surprising. I mean, after Billy Beane tore down the fort to rebuild yet again, you wouldn’t think that the franchise would want to alienate any of its six fans. Even “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” t-shirt guy.
UPDATE: We designed a t-shirt (seen above) in honor of "I AM A MOTHERFUCKER" t-shirt guy (also known as Epic Beard guy). If we receive large enough of a demand, we'll start producing them for you. So leave a comment if you think it's a shirt worth buying.
Last week, we poked fun at Jimmy Johnson for signing on as a spokesman for the male enhancement supplement Extenze. For those who aren’t aware, Extenze is a product that men use to make their dicks bigger. Today, the video commercial featuring Johnson, whose last name is perfect for the type of product he’s now pushing, making his pitch hit the Interwebs.
So, whether you're looking to increase the size of your cock or for just a laugh, check out the video below.
In other comedic football news, the Oakland Raiders signed kicker Sebastian Janikowski to a four-year, $16-million contract today. As good of a kicker as Janikowski is—and given the sheer number of field goal misses in the postseason, having a good kicker cannot be overlooked—this was a misallocation of resources for the Raiders. The last thing they need is a kicker. Why not try with a quarterback? It’s like in baseball when a team that never plays in close games with save situations allots its entire offseason budget to signing the best free agent closer on the market. You know, like the Cincinnati Reds did with Francisco Cordero. Al Davis continues to amaze.
That’s all for today, folks.
To reach Jack Rackels, send an email to email@example.com.
After weeks of back and forth negotiations, numerous sources are reporting that the Washington Nationals have signed free-agent right-hander Chien-Ming Wang to a one-year, $2-million contract. Wang, who won a combined 37 games between 2006 and 2007, was non-tendered a contract by the New York Yankees earlier this winter. The 30-year-old sinkerballer will look to regain his form in Washington after going 1-6 with a disastrous 9.64 ERA for New York in 2009. Given his past success, you have to give credit to the Nats for making a low-risk, medium-reward move.
What was most interesting to me, however, is how various outlets reported the news this afternoon. I know headline writers for the major sports websites often try to be as cheesy as possible, but today it was like they were intentionally making dick jokes.
Seriously, take a look for yourself.
First, let’s go to ESPN.com. While the headline is technically true—yes, even after signing “stud” and optimist Jason Marquis, the rotation still has more gaping holes than Joslyn James—I left the website feeling dirty.
MLB.com, a site often accused of writing puff pieces for teams since it’s operated by the league, didn’t use any discretion, either. Pull Yankees’ Wang? Really?
The dick-themed headlines weren't limited to mainstream sites, though. Even the SB Nation Nationals blog, Federal Baseball, had an interesting take on the signing.
NBC’s Hardball Talk, quickly becoming one of the best baseball sites on the web, did so as well.
Everyone loves a good dick joke every once in a while, but, when they’re not intentional, I guess they’re even funnier.
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