Presidential Super Heroes

Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Posted By admin 06:47 PM

They say the best place to hide is in plain sight. Sounds kind of like dumb logic, but I know “they” to be an extremely reliable source when it comes to all matters of identity concealment, so I’ll trust them.

Anyway, in these United States, you can’t be any more in plain sight than the President [or Mary McCormack], which is why some of the country’s greatest superheroes spent their evenings fighting crime and their days hanging out in the Oval Office, calling sports teams that win championships and doing whatever it actually is the President does.  

Electric Eisenhower

During a visit to the 1904 World’s Fair, a curious young Dwight Eisenhower snuck into the Palace of Electricity and upon touching a copper coil immediately gained the ability to harness and transmit vast amounts of electrical current—a power he used to vanquish the Axis Powers in WWII, assume the Presidency and achieve global domination with his invention of the interstate highway system. 

Hulk Lincoln

Known to most Americans as the Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln was known to those close to him as having severe bipolar disorder, in which he would go from an eloquent orator to a raging storm of emotions and impulses as soon as anyone mentioned Stephen Douglas or told him he didn’t have an adequate appreciation for the theatrical arts.

Invisible Nixon

Born invisible, Richard Nixon made a rapid climb within the Republican Party by using his powers to sneak into opponents’ offices and gather intel against them. However, on one infamous night in 1972, Nixon could not carry out a regularly schedule fact-finding missions because it conflicted with his league bowling night. He instead sent five underlings to break into the Watergate Hotel, who were subsequently caught, leading to Nixon’s downfall.

Robo-Roosevelt

Built by the affluent Roosevelt family of New York to provide spare parts to his polio stricken cousin Franklin, Robo-Roosevelt rebelled against his human family and overlords to make his own mark on the world. He became a folk legend during the Spanish-American War after countless bullets harmlessly bounced off his Kevlar skin, and rode his post-war popularity all the way to the White House. In office he established America’s first national parks as a little FU to the other Roosevelts who were vehemently anti-conservation.
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