So Eli wants James Vanderbeek to portray him in his biopic, but Vanderbeek doesn’t want Eli’s life. Or so he says. Honestly, who does or does not play Eli in his made for VHS non-movie and whether or not that performer would immerse themselves like Daniel Day is of no interest to me. What interests me is who’s life would I want, Eli’s or the Beek’s?

The case for Eli: Super bowl winning millionaire QB; functional neck; speaks like his mouth is full of grapes, thus presumed dumb keeping expectations low; nuclear family; endless supply of double stuffed oreos; competes daily in the worlds most competitive sport and is consistently rewarded with success.

The case for the Beek: Residuals; unemployment; a legion of twenty-somethings who’s first crush of their formative years was him , meaning his days are spent floating down the Dawson's creek of financial security as nubile vixens dive in swooning and he casually sips the most expensive drink on the menu.

Could the choice be anymore obvious? James, I want your life.